Lmfao! I didn’t write that.

I need to move away.

Far

Far

Away

Sometimes I think the reason why I’ve been avoiding a commitment to this guy is our lack of compatibility.

He’s sweet. He’s nice. I know that we’ve both had a hard few years. I know that he’s as responsible as possible.

But he doesn’t like to read books. He doesn’t drink coffee. I don’t know what his favorite movie is. What tv shows he likes. His favorite color.

We grew up differently. We’re from different parts of LA.

His parents are still married. He grew up with both of them and a sister. He knows what a stable home looks like. I love that about him but I’m also very envious. Maybe he’ll expect too much from me. Maybe I’ll realize that I have too many family issues to know what a real family looks like.

He’s a dreamer. Does he have any realistic aspirations? How smart can he be if he won’t even read a book? That kind of scares me.

I don’t even know what kind of girls he likes. Will I find out he likes hoodrats? I’m reminded of Branden who cheated on me with the nastiest girl I’ve ever seen and claimed he just thought I was too different from him. He still calls me to this day. They always call when they realize I’d be the best they’d ever do.

Regardless.

I know how I feel when I’m with him. I feel warm and safe and happy. Everything negative that I’ve felt throughout the day disappears and I laugh with him the way I haven’t been able to laugh with someone in a long time. A laugh that comes from my gut and sometimes becomes obnoxious. When he grabs me and pulls me close to him I feel wanted. I feel light. I feel loved. Even when he does little things like asks me can he kiss me I feel that giddy feeling that I don’t remember feeling before.

I’ve known him since high school. He’s always been a good friend to me. He’s always been sweet to me. He pops up at the most random times. We hang out for a few months and then I just kind of drift away from him. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to like him. I don’t like the feelings he brings out in me.

But this time is so different. He looks at me differently now. He never used to stare at me so intently. He never used to try and hold my hand or kiss me. He referred to our sex once as “making love.” I’ve never even heard a guy say that let alone a guy I’m having sex with.

He asked me to look him in the face once while we were having sex. If you know me you know my extreme fear of intimacy. I’ve never looked at someone while we fucked. Not even Carissa. No one. And it scared me. It was scary. It’s weird isn’t it? To look someone in the face while they’re fucking you? It can’t just be me. Having sex with him is definitely an experience and sex with anyone else will surely be lackluster after him.

I focus on all these positives but I can’t keep bypassing the negatives. Are we compatible in the long run? He told me he believes in the foundation of marriage, but not divorce. Sometimes we have conversations about relationships and what we like in relationships and what we’ll accept. But he never makes it seem like he wants one with me. Am I missing the signs? Do people usually have these conversations with people they’re just fucking?

I don’t want to be like “hey I want to be with you…in a relationship” and then he’s like “that isn’t where I thought this was going” and then I’m crushed. Then I’m that girl again.

I’ll start reading those advice blogs lonely bitches read that say you have to wait 90 days to fuck someone or they’ll never respect you even though I’ve known him for like 6 years I’ll convince myself I’m a whore and guys only want to fuck me and I need to change everything about myself because I’m a codependent woman that needs a man to validate me and I’ll pretend to be dumb so he can feel smart and ill buy lots of dresses and lots of makeup and lots of heels and ill lose a bunch of weight and get the longest weave possible and stop reading books and spend all my time in the gym and trying to be a “baddie” and adapt the 90 day rule and only date niggas that drive BMWs and become a trophy wife and that will be life.

Where did this post go suddenly.

ekeees replied to your post: I’m not tired. I’m not tired. I’m not tired….

My child’s mother has lupus. It hurts me to see how much she suffers. She had her first outbreak when she was 19. It’s gotten better now that she’s managed it but it took a lot of trail and error. I understand how tough it can be. Hope you get well.

Thank you. :) I feel like this entire illness is trail error all together. I think it’s great that she was able to have a child though I think that’s one of things that scares me the most is finding out i can’t have kids or going though a high risk pregnancy. I think they told me like 60% of women with lupus have flares while they’re pregnant. Sorry this response was long and had little to do with what you were saying I’ve just been thinking a lot about that lately.

on the subject of girls being mad at you over petty shit.

My friend that i literally speak to every day seems to be ignoring me.

Last week I told her that I would treat her to Star Trek.

Yesterday rolls around and she texts me like “so what time are we going?”

I’m like “oh my check wasn’t as much as I thought it was going to be and I’m trying to pay this deposit on Wednesday for my apt and I just can’t afford to spend $40 on movie tickets  alone.”

I thought this was perfect logical. I mean $40 for 2 movie tickets? I can’t get a popcorn? A drink? This isn’t including the fact that she’s going to be smoking my weed beforehand and the food we would probably eat afterward. I’m thinking ok maybe she’ll want to go get to In n Out which I’m willing to pay for. That was why she hit me up in the first place. To ask if I wanted to go to In n Out.

After I said that though, she just went ghost. Haven’t heard from her since. She’s ignored all my texts. LMAO! I’m like really laughing. 

I’m not tired.

I’m not tired.

I’m not tired.

I’ve been chanting this to myself for the last two weeks because I’m so tired I can’t bare it but my insomnia is so bad I can only sleep 4 hours at a time. My doctor keeps telling me the pains and fatigue come from my lack of sleep and the fact that I’m running around at work all day for 9 hours. I know this. Realistically though I can’t not work. I need a job. What does someone with chronic illness do? Is the government going to pay my rent and buy me food? I’m supposed to survive off of $600 a month? Nah. No thank you.

I’m doing everything in my power to attempt to better myself but I spent all day yesterday crying and now I’m sitting here crying again because I’m so tired.

I’m.

So.

Tired.

I got up and walked to work. Found out I don’t work. So I went to the hospital to pick up my prescription for painkillers. They told I took too long to pick them up and now I have to wait two days I’m sitting in this hot ass sun sweating with tears pouring down my face.

I wish I had a cigarette. Which is ridiculous considering just last year my lung was bleeding and I had to have chemo but I’m steady sucking down these cigarettes like I’m going to live forever and I don’t have a condition that attacks my organs. Sometimes I think I smoke just to taint myself. Like I’m saying “fuck you lupus you’re not shit I can do whatever the fuck I want!” And then days like this happen and I remember my body is a piece of shit and I’m a piece of shit and I hate everything.

My friend asked me to put myself in her position. What do you say to your friend that almost died, found out she has a chronic illness, has a fucked up living situation, and is constantly telling you she wants to off herself and get it over with? I told her I didn’t know. What do you say to someone like me?

My problem is I haven’t accepted that I’m sick. I continue doing the things that I know are harmful to me. I continue stressing myself out. Not sleeping. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking like a fish. Ignoring my medications. Taking an excessive amount of painkillers and muscle relaxers.

I’ve never taken the time to sit down and tell someone that I’m scared. Or screamed at the top of my lungs because I’m fucking angry. I’m only 23. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. This want supposed to be me. I’m trapped with this illness no one has a cure for. That no one understands. That I’m given all these nonsensical medications for.

And I have to do all this by myself. Because everyone just sits around with a blank stare and says “I’m sorry” or “that sucks”. No one wants to talk about it because it makes THEM sad. It makes THEM uncomfortable. So as long as I have to make other people feel comfortable around me I can’t feel comfortable about myself. Because I have no one to talk to. No one that understands. And I’m fucking depressed. And I’m fucking angry. And I’m fucking tired.

Thank you. I appreciate that. :)

"The odd thing about this life is that you spend half your time trying to get people to listen to you and the rest of the time trying to get them to leave you the fuck alone."

I started dreaming about him. Often. He’s in most of my dreams now. I don’t know what to do.

I can’t find the words to say what I want to say.

People keep telling me I need to make a dramatic stance and just ask what we are. Other people are telling me if he wanted to be with me then he would let me know he wants to be with me. Myself on the other hand is just looking for a reason to avoid this conversation for as long as possible. I know at some point I’m going to have to decide if I want to keep this up or let it go. I know that time is coming soon.

I should give up. I should give up. I should give up.

I’m not religious.

I’m not here to pray about anything.